"You know, there's a million fine looking women in the world, dude. But they don't all bring you lasagna at work. Most of 'em just cheat on you."

"My friend here's trying to convince me that any independent contractors who were working on the uncompleted Death Star were innocent victims when it was destroyed by the Rebels."

"In light of this lurid tale, I don't even see how you can romanticize your relationship with Caitlin. She broke your heart and inadvertently drove men to deviant lifestyles."

Jay

"I don't care if she's my cousin or not, I'm gonna knock those boots again tonight."